The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
