I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
