the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
