Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
