All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
