I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
