I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
