Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
