Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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