Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
