Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
