either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
