I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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