Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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