He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
third nipple confirmed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
