Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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