Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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