It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
