Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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