Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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