It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i think we sleep fucked last night...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
