she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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