well you can't waste a boner
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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