The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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