I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
