Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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