and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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