Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
