do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
