So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
it glows. i had to have it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
