Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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