Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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