If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
