Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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