I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
