Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
