just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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