Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
