your parents love me but you hate me
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
