After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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