I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
