you told grandpa to call you daddy
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
