We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
