so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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