He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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