I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
