Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
