i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
