My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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