This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
