I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
